have you ever seen this little flickering light trying to stay alive in a soft breeze…and you want to cup your palms around the flame. See a strong glow in the shelter. Or even letting it just die.


Finally found my spirit back. I am again engrossed, am thinking. Sometimes I just miss normal dialogues. To maybe not have blunt, arrogant, stuck and hurtfully honest as genuine compliments from people. I would like to believe I wasn’t under any constraint to be miss goody two-shoes, rather I was just trying to be less hurtful. It seemed as a ploy to fit in or to be liked as a human need which defied the whole sense of honesty.thus am back to relish my freedom of reckless speech. Its better to lay out the cards you want to n let the person deal it the way they want to; how he decides to split n arrange them; should be acceptable by me. A lot of times when I think this is it. I have been surprised to hear from them again. The credit for maturity goes to them!!! I like knowing where I stand with people. Am sure they do too. Pep talks are meant for formal shindig. I may fail at that too.

I dont mind the hostility cause I embrace the friendliness too, I dont mind the snarling smirks cause bright smiles welcome me too, I dont mind the ignorance and plagiarism cause everydayIi'm inspired by brilliant minds, I dont mind the souls that curse me cause so many blessings wouldn't be my worth and I have nothing against the saints cause they adhere the fact that evil exists..adhere the fact that there is black and there is white and there is something existing in the existence and that is the shade of grey..a tint of grey in humour, a tint of grey in thoughts, a tint of grey in liaison, a li'l tint of grey in surviving cause all that white would make it a fiasco of no events and all that black would make it a scare!!

All in a day's work!!

whoA!!!! I really need to set all my skills of exageration and explanations ready if I have to describe yesterday with the honour of it intact coz it was one hell of a day..for everybody else it mite have been a usual day or a boring one maybe bt not us..it was not any where next to normal even leave alone usual..

the beginning of the day didn’t tip off anything of that sort…my friends had completed a year of their union and we were ecstatic cause we had seen this relationship blossom in front of us with joy ,love ,tantrums, fights, bullying almost anything and everything and the only motive to gather In barista was to drill a hole in his pocket for this celebration(well we just need a tiiny wiiny reason,dont we jaisi??)

later I went to watch a flick in the afternoon after having my brains full of all the rambling from day before,it was a decent movie..no complains..usual hindi happy-go-lucky scenario at display…watched it,grabbed a bite thereafter and came back coz the clock was ticking and I had to go back to my hostel otherwise I could be in deep shit.but reaching back I realized that its our friends birthday too and we had to plan a surprise party.thank goodness all the otha mates had gathered all the bits and pieces and I was just supposed to cook the curry and help them arrange..the theme was decided upon…we had a bash,a real good tym with all of us loosing our sanity(and um !!clothes later)…the warden too couldn't resist and joined us..it was crazy!!!
We had to put an end to this insanity as our books were screaming outta the closets and we had to rush back to complete those unfinished assignments..what happened next is my actual motive of writing the post..
We heard screams...actual screams...bang!!!doors closing with loud thuds...insults and profanity...first we thought it must be just in light humour but later i realised what was the actual thing..

as i went to my frnz room to take to her about an unresolved discussion i was alarmed to see her in tears..gosh!!her face was swollen and she was siting in the corner of her very own room..i inquired and found that she actually was amidst the whole bedlam and madness tht we just heard and had made fun of slyly(oops!!)...she was inquiring about this shattering sounds of bottles she heard in the balcony from the passerby while this another girl was sleeping..awakened by the sound this "sleeping beauty" comes and asks her to shut up rudely...at first my friend thought of cursing her but then she explained why she was there..and she was thriving no personal pleasure from it..but that girl was a maniac she shot back and yelled her throats out...but then my friend or rather i should say my senior couldn't hold back and she yelled motherf***** at her...at first girl called her names...hehehehe...it was a pure Hindi filmy masala cat fight!!!! but then she followed my friend and slammed her door open and tried to THROTTLE her...we were shocked..i mean was that for real..???(( somebody actually strangling somebody in front of our eyes as if a video was rolling and we were those left over paid spot people supposed to behave as ecstatic morons!!!))...we bent over to loosen her claws(i mean claws!!)..phew!!!what showdown..lol...we are still not able to sink in the whole spectacle that occurred then and there.. we are still laughing our asses off in bewilderment..good lord!!!

and the victim is still wondering whether she is still in the right epoch...and is amused..and is still uttering mother****** under her breath..
moral of the story :watch ur mouth!!

funny things happen in hostels!!I sometimes ponder whether i could have been moulded the same Way if i didn't have this private space???what if i had not gone through the whole experience of being one of the nivedita girls???..well,a place where everybody can see girls standing and looking at the outside world but nobody can help them :)..they seemed like mental asylum prisoners..where more then bringing ,asking for food was the actual triumph,hostel rooms were so crappy that even a pig might rise his eyebrows for minute!!..warden eavesdropping And lalaji with his deliberately untied dhoti(yucks!!) looking at us like a bulldog staring...where study table is meant to be auspicious for every other load except than books..that might be manhandling it!!..where our day ends exactly the same time people get out of their homes...and yes where you find people strangling each other and knocking each others senses out.-----------------funny place but i like it somehow cause i know that its my second home now..and well where would i find this kind of flavour in my life Anywaz except then here...
cheers to the anarchy!!!

snip snap!!!

I used to think n read about bad hair days and mistakes while being the centre of slaughter with dozens of scissors and poking eyes staring hard to get to your brain while confusing your momentum altogether….but it happening to me was what I had not thought in any outlandish instant… I went to the parlor the other day for a trim, unlike my first visit to her where I got caught in a whirlwind of indecision, this time I was completely sure of what I wanted...a trim with a tiiiiny bit more of an angle (and I said tiny). And just styling because I was beginning to love my long Hair so parting with them seemed stupid…that’s all!!!...but she seemed pretty excited about the whole thing and asked me what exactly did I have in mind... It's always hard to know what to say in these instances, I find. I know I may give off the impression sometimes of a hardened comedic veteran of wit and timing, but believe me, in the flesh and in the company of strangers I lose a lot of verbosity. Fortunately I had planned for this. "I want to keep the length and rest u know what," I recited...Oh boy!!!She sure didn’t know what and I still curse myself for this confession…
I settled myself into that comfy chair and totally confident about the lady in charge I started going thru the pages of a glam magazine they handed over to me. she started playing around with my tresses and I was much more engrossed in what went wrong between shahid and kareena..why kid rock was arrested and blah blah!by the time I looked above I was in a state of dismal and woe…I My frontal bangs were hacked off in the middle of my forehead making me look like those extremely creepy porcelain china dolls. My hair was also incredibly short and there were absolutely no redeeming qualities of the haircut. I was ZAPPED!!!! If you haven't figured from the tone that I had a bad haircut experience, I'm saying it literally. I look like I've been stalked and mutilated by a rogue grass cutter.
I have spent time putting my hair up in ponytails and pushing my bangs back, trying to make them disappear. If it were winter I'd just put a hat on, but it's not (well the weather suggests it might soon be) and my hats are all designed to keep the cold out. I keep willing myself not to think about it, hoping the feeling will pass, but it's been three days already...
So I thought how I can categories it into no entry zone...


Sign 1: The price is cheaper than the average... NEVER save on haircuts especially if you're in a new place.

Sign 2: Your hair stylist chops hair instead of snipping them. I define Chopping as the crude execution of a direct cut on hair and snipping as the artful execution of skilful and small cuts on the hair. I was gasping as she enthusiastically chopped in pure jubilee...

Sign3: Our hair stylist uses the shaver more often than the scissors. There's nothing more to say about this... I'm not a marine or a monk... she shouldn't have to guess on that.

Sign 4:the attendants keep taking to you so that you don’t have to think about the mishap that’s going to occur while dresser making all possible equipments of destruction geared up for the warfare

Sign 5: There's nobody in the salon...

Sign 6: The hair stylist doesn't have a cool looking hairstyle.

Sign 7 :She told me she had 10years of experience... :'( Well, she did give me the most stylish hairstyle actually. Only I am 20 years late...

Sign 8: And the most imp one…she kids you…imagine after having that ridiculous chop she and all her attendants yell around in glory that I look like Ashley Simpson now…ah watt????....and l feel like murdering for a good because so several victims like me could be saved



That you know these signs, thou must be kind and spread it to others. And if you already know these, shame on me for not exercising better common sense; but at least I’m trying to warn others about it. :

Ps: In all, it wasn't that bad... I don't look like a poodle, just like a toilet brush. I must say that I did get my money's worth in terms of amount of hair cut per rupee paid…

Im still coping….

I want...

I want to rise above the whole concept of woe and angst cause without it bliss wouldn’t be prized…I want to call out to my mother and comfort her with all the amity she requires cause inside I am yearning for our long lost time …I want to, when evening fall sand shadows quickly lengthen That I have made somebody glad, Some weakness I have strengthened….. You send different people in our lives all along, and when things don't go right we wonder what's wrong...I want to Help us to learn a lesson from each test you give, so we can use it to help others know how to live…I want to have relations I covet not those that I have inherited cause they don’t comfort me the way my appointed ones do...I don’t want to check my zipper whenever I see big eyes staring... I want to trounce all my fellow contenders cause without which I won’t be able to perceive what victory tastes of...I want to be me and don’t want to ham it up no matter how many eyes move away....I want to buy my brother the coupé he always dreamt of without him asking me even once... I want to suck all the knowledge available in this orb cause that I know can engage me..i don’t know the purpose of my life But I know when this time will come When the purpose, ethical or not I will understand, I will conquer, I will succeed ,A breeze will make me fall, with no purpose…

Cringing in the fringes...

Its about this section of the fairer sex whom when u encounter reminds u of thousands of glossy pages in the magazines devoted to her. Whose elbows are weapons and rib cage weighs upon the fact that eve was fashioned from a bone…who is proclaimed to be the hub of purpose ness and incredible will power…well, ill agree to a lil bit of that too for how else would she survive those days when nothing but comfort eating can help, work out regularly and keep her wayward taste buds leashed?...the women other women want to pose as..”The thin women”

Everyday, all the time I stumble across the phrase everywhere...”Being fat and ugly”…wait a min!!!Being fat doesn’t preclude being ugly…it doesn’t mean lack of purpose and gut. Not unhappiness at the least and not consumed by envy of the thin. For some time ive endured this celebration of young women with gritted teeth. not because im fat or anything but because coz am annoyed being lumped into the category known as fat (im still too far from filling its prerequisites yet)…thin is generally misunderstood as chic, confident and for all the wrong reasons as sophisticated and beautiful…who has the figure to carry…) and then I, u and the lamppost feel lyk asking. What figure?

The time has come for straight talk…from gut... Padded with slight swell of flesh…why be thin (the ones who are congenitally equipped with this curse as my friend Roma are excluded from this discussion) or even try to inflict this whole concept upon us. I agree our collarbone vll never be able to see the sunlight again... But being thin doesn’t mean womanliness…we are comfortable the way we are. And in control... We feel like the woman… Like the way we look and for goodness sake don’t tell us how to look.

Therz a hell lot of difference between thin and THIN…thin ness in my age is like adolescent naivety... which comes to term with age but women dressing as teenagers look like muttons dressed as lamb.. a man in his early days feels on the top of the world dating a thin girl.. Walking arm in arm with the right signal.. Him dating success..Him = cool

But when it comes to marrying a girl, even the coolest guy around town will seldom behave any different from an average goatherd in himachal. In bed and life, he wants substance. He wants something to hold on to; to cling and nestle against. If the toss up is between a cushion and a coat hanger, he will settle for the rounded contours rather than the straight and the narrow…

But y do u need the other sex to acquaint u of ur beauty…better to have somebody who can sail through thick and thin with u(literally)….. Why persevere so hard to resemble the androgynous stick insect...im not fat nor thin... My everyday growing tummy doesn’t make me nervous or sad. Just makes me feel the hole in the pocket because of the growing dress size.. And sad because the last one don’t fit me anymore…but voila I buy the same in a size bigger and im glistening again...
(Adapted from nair)

Internal aplomb!!

The hollow minds, blank faces, creepy attitude or maybe my wrong acuity. (though I cant say that confidently)... The crowded streets, with its sleek cars, ready to knock any one, in an outrage of heavy traffic, has always intrigued me.. baffled about my own existence..getting answers to scores of questions i used to have..having several new questions to be answered..playing a new role everyday..exihilaration of a new relationship..misery of concluding an old one..I for once have started to feel like the woman, the free bird I had always wanted to be. i was overwhelmed, how people could be so distant from each others lives, while back at home, I can say that everything, owed an explanation to my mum,if not ,then maybefriends. But now just my conscience is my questionnaire. I feel happy being on my own usually. But nostalgia grips me during moments of desolation… peculiar... I miss mom, the only actual friend that I must b having since I have a memory, not because she was posing as one but because she chose not to abandon this role even after hell load of internal strife. This was probably her most difficult charge and not having a dad was not much of an issue…though not insensitively but practically. My secret gate keeper..cant blame life after all..somethings are not just another reason to crib..n not every painful demise results in sad ending!!